Randomness

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ham-turkey2

Yes, that is a real smoked turkey he’s sitting on (and his name is Ham :D)

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Dear BelleBooks,

Why can’t I order your books from Borders.com?

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From Publishers Marketplace:

Chelsea Campbell’s debut THE RISE OF RENEGADE X, pitched as KING DORK meets The Incredibles, in which a sixteen-year old boy’s plans to become a professional evil genius just like his supervillain mom are derailed when he discovers the dad he never knew is actually an irritating, good-deed doing superhero

Kristen Landon’s THE LIMIT, in which kids are suddenly being taken away to special workhouses if their families exceed their monthly financial spending limit imposed by the government; one boy feels secure with his parents spending patterns, but all it takes is one fatal visit to the store to push his family over their limit– and to change his reality forever

I post that because I once asked a friend of mine what would have happened to us if we hadn’t discovered RWA and the rules of writing “romance”?  How much more daring do you think we would have been? How many more rules would we have broken (and not worried about breaking)?  How many more chances might we have taken with our writing?

I pose the question, not because romance or RWA are Evol, but because I think if you’re not stepping outside of your reading comfort zone, you might have a hard time stepping out of your writing comfort zone.

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Have you ever read something so gorgeously written that it kinda made you want to cry because you’d never do anything half so good?

The story, on the loose now, raced through the community like an unbridled child.  Rumors climbed over backyard fences, skipped from street to street, romped down the aisles of Wal-Mart, tumbled through the Laundromat and cartwheeled through the park.

*sigh* there it is…and then this two paragraphs down:

Later, on one would give much though to the path the news had traveled, but more than a few would be amazed at the speed with which the story sprinted past the city limits, jumped the river, galloped over eigh counties and dashed across the state line. (Shoot the Moon by Billie Letts Pg 101)

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Otherwise, all is quiet in the Bitch-Cave.  I’m off to send Dee some pics for my video for Ann Aguirre’s contest. The end of the month is upon us and I can unequivocally state that I failed to meet my writing goal. Lucky for me, I don’t care.

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Taken from a recent conversation with a friend and posted w/their consent…

DEAR AUTHOR…PLEASE DON’T:

…EVER write an entire romance novel in present tense.

…speak directly to your audience. NO 2ND PERSON unless you’re a damn good writer and know without a doubt that you’ll be able to instantly earn the right to address your readers directly. Otherwise, cut it out. Don’t pretend you know me well enough to talk to me like we’re friends.

…develop stylistic crutches. -ing words and participal phrases are at the top of this week’s bitch list.

…use commas like a stripper uses glitter. They have a very real function. LEARN IT.

Hahaha….commas….stripper…glittah!  Here’s a few of my own:

…Info-dump. I WILL mock you.  And then I will toss your book across the room.

…Stop in the middle of a fight scene to tell me stupid shit that has absolutely NO relevance to fight.  It’s worse than info-dump. It’s info-dump on crahk.

…Stick an “H” in your characters name.  I think JR Ward trademarked that and even if she didn’t, we all know from whench it cahme.  Stohp Ith.

7 thoughts on “Randomness

  1. What Ann Aguirre contest (not that would enter. I don’t do video)

    I forwarded your BelleBooks question to Deb Dixon! 🙂

  2. Heh heh…you allowed the guilty to remain nameless. Thanks!

    I’m trademarking the stripper glitter thing, BTW. You have to attribute it to me from now on. 😀

    I agree on the info dumping. It’s especially prevalent in UF/PNR series premieres right now. I don’t fucking care that your protag loved picking daisies at Grandma’s house when she was a kid, or that her date to the prom fifteen years ago had dark brown hair and stepped on her toes. If it doesn’t advance the plot or DIRECTLY affect the character arc, leave it out.

    I also hate interruptions in dialogue and important action. GRRRRR.

    I hate a lot of things. Okay, fine, I should’ve done an entire post about this on my own blog today. LOL

  3. “…develop stylistic crutches. -ing words and participal phrases are at the top of this week’s bitch list.”

    I’m good with everything else, but I’m going to defend the poor participial phrase AND the -ing words, which have their proper grammatical place. I’ve seen writers twist sentences into some god-awful, ungrammatical mess to avoid a particple . . . and don’t get me started on not being able to control verb tenses b/c some rule-monger told them not to use -ing verbs and/or the “to be” verbs.

    Participial phrases are necessary to construct loose/periodic sentences, which are gorgeous when done correctly.

    And an absolute phrase can be absolutely beautiful.

    Just sayin’.

    Lin

  4. Yeah, but you’re missing the meaning of “crutch.”

    A crutch isn’t something that just occasionally pops up in the author’s writing. A crutch is a prevalent and pervasive bad habit. When I look at the title of a book I edited and remember it as “the one with all the participial adjectives” and the author as “the one who doesn’t know how to write a simple sentence,” something is wrong. That’s not good writing.

    I like a mixture of sentence types. Simple, compound, complex, compound-complex…not just one. Gerunds, participles, infinitives, and just plain ol’ nouns, adjectives, and verbs. Mix it up.

    Participles are great. Prevalent, pervasive participles=SUCK.

    Thou shalt not annoy thine editor nor thy proofer.