For Stephie-Clause!

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deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad’s banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he’s gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It’s time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid “Francis” nowadays? I bet you’re gay.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words…Jim Beam.
Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Yes, and I know exactly how much you masturbate.  I’m skipping your house.
Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn’t work with me. You’re getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself “Marky”, that’s why you’re getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don’t live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like
all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

11 thoughts on “For Stephie-Clause!

  1. 😆 😆 😆 😆 😆

    He’s awfully grumpy, isn’t he boys and girls?
    Sounds like Santa’s not getting any. 😐
    Could be the red suit, dude…

  2. Those are hilarious!!

    I just got your package today! :woot: You are so sweet! I love my total bitch control kit. :notworthy: I’m going to put it into action right away! You give away fabulous contest prizes!

  3. That was hilarious! I can’t stop laughing :fly:. Wishing you the best X-mas ever 🙂 You’ll get something in the mail soon. But it’s not from Santa or may be it is…8-) Take care!

  4. Raine maybe it’s the stomach like a bowl full of jelly! :flirt:

    Shelli I’m so glad it got there okay! I’d be even gladder if I could comment on your blog 😥

    SW same to you and I’ll be on the lookout! 😉

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